Habits of a Highly Effective Person – Part 5

Welcome back to the fifth of a seven-part series on Habits of Highly Effect People by Stephen R Covey.

In this series we will look at seven habits, identified by Covey, designed to help you to change your lifestyle, and in return, become a highly effective person. This resource intends to give a useful overview of these ideas, and will hopefully inspire you to read the book in full.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

When someone presents us with a problem, we often jump right to giving a solution. This is a mistake. We should first take time to really listen to the other person and only then make recommendations.

We actually all do this more than we realise. Everyday most of us think about what is going on in the mind of someone else, for example: When you ask your partner what is wrong and their response is “nothing”. Now it may be the case that there is nothing wrong, but you probably still think that there is something wrong so your reply with “it seems like something is wrong, what’s happened?” This is called “theory of mind”. It is impossible for us to know what goes on inside other people minds, so we construct a theory of what is going on in their heads. We also use “theory of mind” in work when we speak to other companies.

We are empathic, bur why does Covey find it necessary to devote an entire habit to this subject?

We think that we have a rational mind, but then we may meet someone and immediately think “that idiot doesn’t have one”. Now how can someone not have a rational mindful; well we actually do this ourselves, by assuming others’ minds are less sophisticated than our own; this can be seen in the different social/economic groups that we are in.

Another example is when we drive. George Carlin wrote “have you ever noticed that everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” Whenever we we think this, we assume that we are the rational one; and those in the other cars will believe that they are the rational ones and that we are the idiots.

When at work, if someone in a different position interacts with us, we recognise a difference so we tend to dehumanise the other ever so slightly. Whenever we interact with people online it is impossible to tell exactly how they are feeling, as we cannot see their facial expressions, so sometimes we don’t think twice about what we are saying to them.

However we can overcome this “dehumanisation” nature. Instead of looking at the differences, look at what you have in common. You’ll then be able to understand them as a fellow human.

“Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them you are a mile away and you have their shoes”.

Ok maybe let go of the second part of this quote. but the rest of the quote still applies to us. We critique others from our point of view, but if you try and look at the world from their point of view, you will see something completely different.

If we go back to the car metaphor; when you are in that situation try and remember, that other drivers are on their way somewhere as well, perhaps they are going home to see their families, or maybe they are rushing to the hospital. You’d want others to be sympathetic to you, so cut them slack as well.

It may be difficult to do this at times, but then there is another way. if you find it difficult to put yourself in their shoes, then just ask them questions. Not questions to incite an argument, but to understand their opinions, their way of thinking, and their techniques of handling situations. The thing about having different opinions isn’t to convert everyone else to your way of thinking. But to better ourselves as humans by understanding those who don’t agree with us, and trying to understand their view of ways. Even though you may not agree with them but you will have a greater respect between each other. By question others and sparking a conversation, it helps both parties to understand why they think what they think. Have they just taken what someone else has said and made it their own. Or have they actually pondered on the topic at hand, and done their own research to formulate their opinion.

If at this you still don’t understand the person, then there is a simple solution… Ask more questions. Understanding someone else perspective takes work and time. But it is worth the effort.

So, there we have it, the summary of the fifth habit of highly effective people, as identified by Stephen R Covey. In Part Six, we will look at:

• Synergise

If you have enjoyed reading this, and are looking forward to the future parts of this series; then why not check out one of our personal development courses. We have an incredibly informative one: Personal Planning and Organisational Skills. Why not check it out here.